I have always believed that marriage should be till death do us part. I never thought of it as a commitment that we should take lightly or break easily. However I also now see that there are situations that will require us to leave. I know because I had to make that decision. It was a life or death situation. I’m happy to share the story as I am sure there are others who feel my story sounds quite familiar.
I met my husband when I moved into the apartment next to his. We became friends and soon after started dating. I saw signs of aggression pretty early in our relationship. Still, since it was never aimed at me I figured there was no need to make a big deal of it. I guess I had forgotten that how a man treated others was a good indication of how he would treat me.
After five months of dating, he had asked me to marry him. I was ecstatic. All I could think of was how I had longed to be married and have children. It had not occurred to me that I never knew him well enough and so did not yet know what his goals or plans for marriage and the future were, and whether these were aligned with my own thoughts and goals. All I wanted to hear were wedding bells.
A month after the proposal his attitude changed. He started using derogatory names, swore at me, shouted, slammed his fist into the door and threw tantrums. Although it made me uneasy, I thought that this was normal behavior for people planning a wedding and a future together. It was only later that I realized that I was making excuses because these behaviors are not OK. They are clear signs of abuse.
I had decided to leave him but before I could I learned I was pregnant. I told him about the baby and he was excited – so excited he promised that things would be different. They really were. Our relationships took a 360-degree turn. It was the happiest I had been in a long while.
Like everything else good about us, the joy was short-lived. I found out he was cheating. I learned he had been taking money from my bank account to support her and her child. I was furious. When I saw him rather than confront him I just told him it was over. He got mad and attacked me. My neighbor heard my screams and came to my rescue. It was an ugly scene. I swore I would never again be with this man.
I thought there was no way I would ever go back to him but then I lost the baby. I was so devastated that I convinced myself that I needed him to get over the pain. We not only got back together, we also moved in together.
Things got sour pretty quickly. A couple of months after moving in together I found out that he was still having an affair. I finally came close to a nervous breakdown when I learned she was not the only. What was worse was that he brought someone into our home. I packed my bags, changed my number, and disappeared.
It was two years before we spoke again. He called to say he was about to start a new job, had plans to go back to school, had become a man of faith and was now a different man. I was happy for him, mostly because I too had changed. I too was now a woman of faith.
We spent quite a bit of time together. Before long I was convinced that he had changed. I felt I could trust him and a month later we were married. The honeymoon month was amazing. The month after was great but shortly after we started arguing. By month four I was walking on egg shells. Then everything fell apart.
See, neither of us had steady jobs. The bills were piling up. We both felt overwhelmed. As the days crept on it became more and more difficult to find joy in the Lord. It was so much easier to revert to our old selves. We argued constantly. I felt drained and felt too ashamed to tell anyone what was going on. I felt trapped.
Things just kept getting worse. One day he lost his temper and threatened to kill me. He told me I was lucky he married me because nobody else wanted me. He told me that I was the worst kind of wife a man could have. He ranted for close to an hour walked out and vanished for days.
The first night he left I stared at the ceiling for hours. All the memories from two years before came flooding back. Memories of not wanting to fall asleep because I was afraid he would try to kill me, of feeling ashamed because of the lies he told people about me, of the name calling and fights. And though I knew it was time to end my marriage I could not help but think, How will it look? What will people say? How do I explain being married for less than the time it took to plan my wedding?
When he finally came home we talked and agreed to go back to counseling instead. As we sat with the counselor and I listened to my husband, I came to the conclusion that we should never have been married. It became clear that he believed that submission meant subservience and in his mind his needs superseded mine. I knew this meant that things would never change. The next day I told my husband I wanted a divorce.
It has been a year and a half since our separation. I am restored and I walk in my healing daily. To get to where I am now involved me making deliberate and strategic moves.
Firstly, I made a clean break from my husband. I threw away everything that tied me to him, ended all communication with him, limited my conversations about him, and deleted any discussions we had since I had no need for them where the courts were concerned.
Secondly, I filled the void left by our separation by creating my own routines. I started volunteering and hung out with friends every Friday evening. My routine helped tremendously. Otherwise, too much free time would lead to me missing him.
All this redirected energy led me to grow in my faith. In my prayer time one day I realized that I needed to forgive my husband, forgive myself and just let go of the past. I realized I had to let go of every bit of negativity he spoke into my life. I refused to accept his negativity any longer. I determined that for days I would speak positively about myself and my future.
I’m so thankful. I have recovered from what could have been the death of me. Now I use my experience to help others. I wrote a book about my story, describing my ordeal but also outlining the strategies I used to heal. I also host and plan empowerment talks, seminars and conferences for women. I am on radio with a fantastic group of women and our show primarily targets women. Later this year I’ll be launching my TV show Real Women Unplugged as well. My most recent endeavor was this blogsite which was created to give women a space where they can read and/or post content that empowers and inspires.
The fact is, I have been given a second chance – the chance to live again, and I am committed to taking that gift to help other women in whatever way I can.
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